A Comprehensive Guide to Tebowisms
When Tim Tebow does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up; he’s pushing the world down.
Superman’s only weakness is Kryptonite. Tim Tebow laughs at Superman for having a weakness.
Superman wears Tim Tebow pajamas.
When Tim Tebow walks on water, his feet don’t get wet. The water gets Tebow’d.
You can lead a horse to water. Tim Tebow can make him drink.
Tim Tebow doesn’t actually write columns, the words assemble themselves out of fear.
When the bogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks the closet for Tim Tebow.
You don’t hit Tim Tebow. Tim Tebow hits you.
Tim Tebow is the not the Bronko Nagurski of 2008. He wouldn’t need a plow to turn a field. He’d do it by hand.
When Tim Tebow holds the Heisman, it puts down its stiff arm.
Tim Tebow does not sleep. He waits.
Tim Tebow can get Chick-Fil-A on Sundays.
People with amnesia still remember Tim Tebow.
Tim Tebow’s family once threw him a surprise party. Once.
Tim Tebow hits blackjack with just one card.
The only reason you’re still conscious is because Tim Tebow hasn’t stiff armed you in the face.
When TimTebow was a kid, he made his mom finish his vegetables.
Tim Tebow counted to infinity. Twice.
In the beginning there was nothing. Then Tim Tebow stiff armed that nothing in the head and said “Get a job”. That is the story of the universe.
When life gives Tim Tebow lemons, he uses them to kill terrorists. Tim Tebow hates lemonade.
When Google can’t find something, it asks Tim Tebow for help.
What color is Tim Tebow’s blood? Trick question. Tim Tebow does not bleed.
Tim Tebow has been to Mars. That’s why there’s no life on Mars.
Tim Tebow once stiff armed a horse. That animal became what is now known as the giraffe.
Tim Tebow is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
Tim Tebow is the reason Waldo is hiding.
When Tim Tebow wants popcorn, he breathes on Nebraska.
When taking the SAT, write “Tim Tebow” for every answer. You will score more than 1600.
Tim Tebow can dribble a football.
Tim Tebow can kick start a car.
Tim Tebow gets called for roughing the tackler.
When Tebow spikes the ball, he strikes oil.
Tim Tebow doesn’t wear a watch, HE decides what time it is.
Tim Tebow ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
Tim Tebow and Chuck Norris once squared off. The fight lasted for 4 years, then Tebow realized that he was actually in a fight. He immediately stiff armed Chuck Norris upon this realization. This event is referred to as the “Big Bang.”
Tim Tebow invented the pedestal. Then he invented the stiff arm to have something to knock people off it.
The recent earthquake off the coast of Florida measured 6.0 on the Richter scale, or .024 Tim Tebows.
A spike in Tim Tebow stiff arms caused the tooth fairy to go broke in 1997.
An Ohio St fan once told a joke at Tim Tebow’s expense… well we all know what happened next.
Tim Tebow doesn’t get sacked. Tim Tebow sacks defensive linemen.
Tim Tebow frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
Tim Tebow sleeps with a night light. Not because Tim Tebow is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Tim Tebow.
Rome wasn’t built in a day because Tim Tebow wasn’t born yet.
Tim Tebow’s number is 15 because that’s how many players it takes to tackle him.
A meteor didn’t kill the dinosaurs; Tim Tebow did in a pickup football game.
Referees created instant replay so they could admire Tim Tebow more than once.
The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Tim Tebow’s forearm.
Time waits for no man. Unless that man is Tim Tebow.
Tim Tebow is really right-handed. He throws lefty to toy with his opponents.
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You take Tim Tebow. I'll take Jack Bauer. "Jack Bauer-isms and Chuck Norris-isms" were around long before these:
http://www.jackbauerisgod.com/
Due to Jack Bauer, no one looks forward to the weekend anymore, they look forward to the weekend being over, and watching 24 on Monday.
If everyone on "24" followed Jack Bauer's instructions, it would be called "12".
When someone asks him how his day is going, Jack replies, "Previously, on 24..."
Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.
Don't beg Jack Bauer to shoot you. He will simply shoot your wife. No man tells Jack Bauer what to do.
Jack Bauer could strangle you with a cordless phone.
Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry.
Jack Bauer sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
Jack Bauer once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves.
During the commercials, Jack Bauer calls the CSI detectives and solves their crimes.
When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.
Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.
The Black Eyed Peas were just The Peas until Jack Bauer heard their music.
Jack Bauer doesn't speak any foreign languages, but he can make any foreigner speak English in a matter of minutes.
On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with Violence.
Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better fucking do it.
Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.
When Google can't find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.
Jack Bauer teaches a course at Harvard entitled: "Time Management: Making the Most Out Of Each Day."
Sun Tzu once wrote, "If your enemy is weaker, conquer him. If he is stronger, join him. If he is Jack Bauer, you're fucking dead."
Jack would never have given up the wet list... no one takes potential kills away from Jack Bauer.
Jack Bauer once killed so many terrorists that at one point, the #5 CIA Most Wanted fugitive was an 18-year-old teenager in Malaysia who downloaded the movie Dodgeball.
Quentin Tarantino was asked to direct a biography about Jack Bauer. He passed. It was too violent.
Tony was once shot in the neck, rushed to the hospital, underwent emergency surgery and was back on the job in just a few hours. Jack Bauer still can't believe that pussy went to the hospital first.
If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris.
You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.
All men are created equal. They are all vastly inferior to Jack Bauer.
Finding Nemo would have been vastly more exciting had Jack Bauer been looking for him.
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Potato, Patato, they are all funny.
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When Jesus makes a grilled cheese he sees Tim Tebow's face in it.
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Wow, I really enjoyed this. How original! I wonder what inspired such hilarity...
Signed,
www.chucknorrisfacts.com
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Norris fan -
I suppose you don't like movie remakes or clothes that come back in style.
So, it's a variation on a theme. Big deal.
Besides, jokes are modified and retold wiith different angles all the time.
It's still funny stuff.
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Tim Tebow drew white.
Deep Blue retired.
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i wasn't aware that 24 guy used a stiff arm so often, or tackled defenders. more power to him. he seems pretty insecure.
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After Sam Bradford won the heisman, he thanked god.Tim Tebow said "you're welcome".
Tim Tebow is so tough his girlfriend has to chew before she swallows.
Tim Tebow clubs baby seals...PETA is cool with it.
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